These titles honestly look so strange to me sitting next to each other. I know that might be a silly line to open up with but hey, you’re here to meet the real me, and here she is. Two titles that the more I learn, seem to contradict each other and complement each other in the wildest of ways. But living in the “both and” is becoming something I am more and more comfortable with, so let’s talk about how we got here.

Bossy Beginnings

I was born in San Diego, CA. A little bit of a know-it-all, a lot a bit blunt, and very much not interested in any of the same things that my peers were into. The third of three kids I had to make sure my voice was heard in every scenario possible…. and boy was it (sorry mom).

I went hard at whatever grabbed my fascination. Doing things halfway was not something I was capable of.

At fourteen I found a mentor that talked to me about everything. Birth became a frequent topic of conversation. One viewing of the documentary, “The Business of Being Born” later, I was hooked. The flame was fanned even further when I met my teacher’s sister who was a labor and delivery nurse in training to be a midwife. I spent three years nannying for her and felt like a little kid listening to a great storyteller whenever she would come home and tell me about her day. Eyes all aglow, I packed up my bags for college and headed off to go get my nursing degree. My career track was set.

Pandemic Romance

I spent two years doing nothing but studying and finally got my acceptance letter into the clinical portion of my school’s nursing program. And then…“Campus will not be open for the return of students after Spring Break. We will keep you updated as the COVID-19 Pandemic continues to unfold”

I thought my life was over.

Turns out it was the plan to get me and this weird guy to go back to our home towns, meet through some crazy “coincidental” connections, and go out on a drive together… and then a beach walk, and then a day trip to a close-by mountain town. Two years of dating long distance through the trenches of nursing school later, we ended up in the sweetest of garden weddings complete with our very own tater tot bar (awesome, I know).

We somehow ended up in GA after five months of being married (story for another time), bought the cutest little farmhouse, adopted another dog because “We’re not planning on having kids for a while”.

One month later (four days before our first anniversary) I got home from work and felt a bit off. I put the pregnancy test I took on the nightstand and turned the lights out. There was no way it would be positive.

Timer dings, phone flashlight on….

“HONEY THERE ARE TWO LINES!!!!”

At Last I See the Light

We walked into the OB office hand in hand and saw our little blob on the ultrasound monitor…but then there was a lot of waiting, and then I couldn’t think of what questions I had until I left and couldn’t just call to get them answered. And then I went back and it just seemed like no one cared about me.

Does that sound familiar?

The whispers of midwifery and home births returned to me.

I got a referral from a friend for a midwife and we jumped head first (is it head first if you ask a million questions..?) into home birth.

Prenatal appointments transformed into sipping tea while chatting with a dear friend in her living room. Smiling and laughing together as we listened to baby’s heartbeat. Squealing as we saw the pile of supplies materialize in my living room.

When contractions started picking up there wasn’t an ounce of fear in my body.

The magic set in. A sunset walk around my property. My family and midwives dear friends gathered around the kitchen island, sharing a meal. Low light. Music playing. Roaring in my own bed as transition hit, no one telling me to keep it in or be quiet. Everyone trusting in the design of my body and the intelligence it holds.

Sweat dripping down the end of the bed, I caught my daughter in a deep squat as she was born into my arms on the bedroom floor. Hours later, settled into bed, my life lying on my chest and next to me, holding my hand in his sleep.

I might have been obsessed with birth before, but now it consumed me. I wanted every woman to feel the same power that I did in my birthing experience. I wanted them to hear about the freedom they already have, the power they already hold. I wanted them to know the layers of beauty, nourishment, and healing that come from a birth team who is for you and for birth. I literally could not (and cannot) shut up about it.

I then knew that my call was for a different kind of support than what I offered in a nursing role. Although both are important, my heart cry had found its home in doula work..

I cannot believe that I get to live this role. To walk it, talk it, breathe it, experience it, and offer it to others. It’s a “pinch-me” life for sure.